So this blog sort of came out of nowhere. Was I planning on writing this blog? No. Have I planned this blog out? Absolutely not. What you’re about to read is a literal mind-spill.
Now, my main motivation behind creating Audition Quest was to try and not only help improve other people’s audition experience, but also my own. Truthfully, I hate auditions. Loathe them in fact. Now this is not because I’m a particularly nervous person or because I don’t enjoy presenting myself, but is because I can’t stand failure. Ever since a young age, I’ve been a self-professed perfectionist and, unsurprisingly, failure is my idea of purgatory. Seriously.
Before I began full-time dance training at college, my ability to retain complex choreography and sequences was far from perfect – something which used to constantly trip me up in auditions. I used to hate the pressing feeling of solid embarrassment as I lurked at the back of audition rooms, desperately looking around for people to copy the steps from. And I used to always be able to tell if I’d get in or not. Either I would leave the audition room, elated with my imminent success, or I’d slouch out of the room, and drive home in silence.
Yet the most difficult thing to process is when you feel like you have performed well in an audition, and still not been good enough. Because, when I did use to fail auditions, I would understand. I’d put it down to not being able to pick up the steps, or being too young, or not having enough experience, or being too nervous. But when you walk out of an audition, utterly satisfied that you gave it your all and still not be successful, that’s a tough blow.
You then begin to question yourself: What did I do wrong? What did they not like? What flaw did they notice?
Now, these surface level questions are perfectly harmless, but, unfortunately, I love to overthink things. Should I reconsider a career? Have they noticed a potential cause of injury that I haven’t yet spotted? Should I lose weight? Am I too tall? Am I far worse than I think I am? Am I getting worse? Are all thoughts that I’ve previously considered.
I could spend my every hour over-analysing and self-criticising, desperately grasping into thin air, looking for answers. But there’s only really one answer that’s correct.
They didn’t like you.
And that’s okay. It’s okay because one audition panel is only one audition panel, not the whole population of the dancing industry. It’s okay because this opportunity wasn’t right for you and better things will come along. It’s okay because this is building you, strengthening you and exposing you to new experiences and emotions. It’s okay because, someday, some audition, there’s going to be a panel who are absolutely stunned by you.